What is worth these feelings of inadequacy?

(written by Lawrence Krubner, however indented passages are often quotes)

Not money. Never money. Lots of things, just not ever money. The fear of failure, the concern that you’ve taken too large of a risk, the worry that you might be completely insane, the idea that you might end up a fitting object of mockery – there is no money that can make up for that. Not exactly. We go forward, I think, because in the end we want to achieve something. We want to prove something to the world. Money is an important part of how the score is kept in this game, but the object of the game is something else.

Smart as a bear:

Here’s where I’m supposed to unleash my intellectual fortitude. I won’t capitulate, will I? I won’t let this guy insult and bully me, will I? C’mon, I’m the strong-willed confident entrepreneur with the stoic well-argued voice of reason, and he’s the sleezeball with the tedious day-job — surely I’ll laugh as his words roll off me like water off an oiled duck’s back.

Just the opposite. I felt like throwing up. He’s right, who do I think I am? I’m a geek playing in the big boy’s house and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I have these naïve ideas about how the world should work and how people should treat one another, and that’s just silly. And it shows. And now this guy is going back and spewing vitriol at the other folks in the company whom I actually like and worked really hard to earn their trust.

But it’s over. They’ve seen through me. It’s just a matter of time before others do too. That’s the end of deals like this.

Why am I doing this anyway? This is supposed to be fun and fulfilling but at this moment as we say in Texas I feel like ten tons of shit in a two-ton bag. What I like is writing code — why am I even trying to play this sales game? Why not just go get a job where I only worry about whether or not I can write code — because I sure as hell can do that — and let the natural salesmen do all this crap?

Is the money worth it? What money, we’re still bootstrapping and I still don’t get a regular salary. Is the promise of money worth it? Worth these feelings of inadequacy?

After days (yep, days) of fretting like this, it converted from despair to anger. Who the hell is this guy? Some asshole who isn’t good enough with money to be an accountant, too slimy to sell cars, this guy whose only skill is to be a jerk, some guy who has never had to make payroll or take a risk or put himself out there, this schmuck is going to tell me I’m the one who isn’t good enough, I’m the one who has no business selling software?

Worst of all, I’m letting him make me feel like a pile of shit!

Well if you’re waiting for the big moment where intellectual reasoning finally defeats weak, irrational emotions, I’m sorry to disappoint you, because that moment never came. I know it’s dumb and illogical, but there it is. It’s trivial and baseless but I still carry that experience in a corner of my thoughts. That’s how emotions work.