A bisexual does not change sexuality when they go from a man to a woman, or vice versa

(written by lawrence krubner, however indented passages are often quotes). You can contact lawrence at: lawrence@krubner.com, or follow me on Twitter.


As news of the couple’s breakup churned through the news cycle, so did photos of Cyrus kissing another woman, Kaitlynn Carter. Straight people on social media were critical of their spending time together, saying that it seems wrong to go on a vacation and flaunt it in an ex’s face immediately after breaking up, and that Cyrus was being “slutty” and “inconsiderate.” On the other hand, queer women came out in droves to celebrate having Cyrus “back,” glad that she had left a man, and suggesting her relationship with Hemsworth had always been temporary—a youthful pit stop on the road to a more valid queerness.

Famous or not, Bi+ people don’t become less queer when we start dating someone of one gender versus another, so the idea that Cyrus had been “lost” from her community during her relationship with and marriage to Hemsworth is one I take issue with. Most Bi+ people don’t think of their identities as being split in half, so why are we asked to quantify our queerness? Identity policing has always been a cold reminder that even in a space that can be as open and loving as the LGBTQ+ community, there are rules here that can be as rigid as those in hetero spheres. You have to pick a side—and if you don’t, well, you’re just not like the rest of us.

As a queer person who has experienced my fair share of both internalized homophobia and erasure and biphobia from others, the bitter sting of having your sexuality invalidated and painted over in order to fit a mold that makes sense to others is all too familiar. When I dated cis men and wasn’t out, I wasn’t being true to myself. But when I came out, it didn’t necessarily feel better. Queer people told me I wasn’t truly queer if I kept dating cis men, or if I didn’t commit to only dating women—a strange thing, considering that bisexuality clearly implies an interest in multiple genders. When I finally did start dating people who weren’t cis men, I felt like there was a certain number of people I had to date, or kiss, or sleep with to be considered truly queer. None of that was true, of course. But the narrative that to be queer means to eradicate anything that even potentially looks like or mimics heterosexuality from your dating life was deeply rooted in me. It’s deeply rooted in many of us.

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