Brain chemistry is craziness

(written by lawrence krubner, however indented passages are often quotes). You can contact lawrence at:


But that’s me. Part of what I found interesting, at least now that I’m on the other side of things, is that brains are completely fucking bonkers. We know a few things, but basically everything is still hella confusing and depends a lot on your particular brain chemistry. For me, I was on the far end of melancholic depression, which means a lack of movement in mood: I was always feeling pretty down, always feeling like my feet were cement. I’d go days without really realizing what I had done the previous few days. Even great days, which should have made me feel lovely, would be curtailed to just a dim spot in a dark room. And even then, that dim lightbulb would fade back to darkness quick. This led to the whole, “well, I never feel better afterwards, so everything’s useless anyway”. This dims the bulb further, so when you do light it up again, it isn’t as bright, and it fades even quicker.

All of this was (and continues to be) new to me; I just figured depression just sorta happened to everyone similarly. It was interesting to learn about and to see my own signs in all of this as I grew and learned more. Did you know that 90% of the serotonin, one of the Important Brain Things that we need to Feel Not Shitty, is manufactured in your gut? That also impacts what you eat, how your digestive tract is faring, whether you’re at an increased chance for different bowel and digestive syndromes and diseases….

Damn I knew depression was shitty but didn’t know it was shitty.

Sorry, bad joke. Joking about depression makes me laugh though, from time to time. Haha. Poop.

One of the more shocking things I’ve realized was that, even though I’ve been dealing with a lot of different things in my life the last few years, none of this was really new. I can backtrace the entire route of my depression directly back to high school, if not middle school. It’s been something like 10-15 years… pretty much my entire adult life.

It was a humbling realization. It also explained a lot. It made me realize that I caused a lot of undue stress on my relationships with basically everyone human I had associated with in the past. Which, you know, adds up, when you start thinking about all these old interactions that went sour and realizing that it didn’t have to be that way.

So I threw a wine glass and shattered my bathroom mirror.