Crucial facts about lesbian culture (if you only watch Killing Eve)

(written by lawrence krubner, however indented passages are often quotes). You can contact lawrence at: lawrence@krubner.com, or follow me on Twitter.

If you were to get all of your facts about lesbian culture from the show Kiling Eve you would have to conclude that:

1.) Lesbians spend 99.999% of their time longing for each other and 0.001% of their time kissing.

2.) Instead of sex, they stab each other. Or shoot each other. Inflicting fatal injuries and then walking away without bothering to call for medical help is how they suggest “Maybe we’re moving too fast?”

3.) A lot can be forgiven if you have great hair. At least 3 murders, possibly 4, can be written off simply because one’s hair is amazing.

4.) There is no point being a flirtatious psychopath hottie unless you have the budget for great clothes:

5.) When they say “slow burn” they don’t mean weeks or months or even years. Think about geological epochs, like the Triassic, the Jurassic, and the Cretaceous. The super continent Pangaea broke up into 7 continents faster than such lovers get to their first real kiss. As to actual sex, the universe itself is not expected to last long enough to facilitate such an event.

6.) Older cisgender white men definitely have a place in the world, mostly as sympathetic but also disappointing father figures whom you occasionally try to kill. They prove how empathetic they are by not really getting angry about the time you shot at them, kidnapped their daughter, forced them to overdose on pills, or left them for dead while they had a heart attack.

7.) Bi women need to think seriously about whether they want to stay with their considerate but dull husbands when they could, instead, spend all their time trying to convince themselves they are not addicted to the flirtatious psychopath hottie who eagerly wants to teach them about a whole new world of interesting hobbies (mostly killing people with an axe).

8.) If you are the right kind of flirtatious psychopath hottie, every straight woman is really a bi woman who simply hasn’t met you yet.

9.) You get really turned on when other women suggest they can best you in combat.

10.) If you’re crush doesn’t realize that you’re waiting for them to ask you out on a date you might need to break into their home, kick down their bathroom door, and waterboard them until they agree to dinner.

11.) Love means that you forgive the annoying little flaws of your partner, such as a killing spree, or your partner’s attempts to stop your killing spree.

12.) Just because you kill people for a living doesn’t mean you are not shy. When meeting the right woman everyone is a bashful tongue-tied schoolgirl.

Bonus observation: we all knew this already, but it seems anything touched by Phoebe Waller Bridge turns to gold. Source