Motherhood: the list

(written by Lawrence Krubner, however indented passages are often quotes)

Interesting.

Am I a bad mother if…

I’m typing this while an infant is feeding on my right boob?

I forgot to ask you to wash your hands before holding the baby?

I stick a finger in her mouth to suck when she’s tantruming and there’s no Purell in sight?

I pee while I’m wearing her?

I eat while I’m wearing her, and you can find granola crumbs and errant drops of the frozen yogurt in the folds of her neck?

I have a three wet-fart rule? No change of diaper until I hear at least three.

I file nails badly? My baby has scissorhands and wakes up from naps looking like she was in a cat fight.

I drink a glass of wine and nurse less than two hours afterward?

I’d rather go back to my old size than keep the pounds on my hips recommended to nurse optimally?

I can’t remember the words to a lullabye to save my life?

I sing Bob Marley instead?

I sing the same verse from Three Little Birds over and over?

I hum Tori Amos’ “Putting the Damage On” as backup?

I request that you let me put on a bra, and maybe some mascara, next time you decide to shoot pics of me with the baby and post them on Facebook?

I haven’t planned where we’ll live in five years so that we can be in a good school district?

I let her watch Burn Notice when I saw that staring at the TV calmed her down?

I let her have all the immunizations recommended by her pediatrician without an interrogation?

I use disposable diapers?

I pray that she doesn’t inherit my hair?

I still use my picture in my Facebook profile and not hers?