Sexual ideas you should really avoid

(written by lawrence krubner, however indented passages are often quotes). You can contact lawrence at:

This is funny. 33 things that happen in porn that you should never try yourself:

Propositioning your friend’s mom

Propositioning your mom’s friend

Propositioning your step-anybody

Spying on someone in the shower while assuming voyeurism turns them on

Picking someone off a street in your van

Sex with a strange pizza guy, plumber, electrician, or anyone else who’s paid by their employer to go to your house

Answering the door in only a towel

Answering the door completely naked and not expecting it to end in a lawsuit

Substituting lube with spit

Giving/receiving head while you’re driving 80mph on the highway

Skipping foreplay entirely

Bribing your college professor with sex

Blackmailing your college students with sex

Expecting a squeaky-clean orgy with attractive people

Bringing eels into the bedroom

Bringing the bedroom into a parking lot

Tearing clothing into pieces with reckless abandon and no apologies

Calling a guy “daddy”

Trying to hold a third-party conversation while you’re inside someone

Sex on the beach… unless you’re into infections

Sex in the shower… unless you have padded feet and webbed toes

Sex in the pool… unless you’re Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan

Pretending to be an adult-film casting director

Surprise anal

Surprise facial

Wedding-day sex with the bride (grooms excluded)

Filming people without telling them

Glory holes

Accepting medical treatment from anyone with provocative cleavage

Mother-daughter threesomes

Sister-sister threesomes

Look, if it’s a threesome, just make sure no two people are related, OK?

Fast-forwarding past the boring parts