The decision to be childless

(written by Lawrence Krubner, however indented passages are often quotes)

I was recently talking to the wife of a famous writer. They have been together 15 years and are madly in love. I asked her what the secret was that allowed their relationship to stay so alive. She said, “Just don’t ever have children.”

The subject seems to be in the air a lot this year. I just stumbled upon this blog post, by a woman talking about the negatives of her decision to stay childless (a decision she is happy with).

Some of us, though, live with the knowledge that we have disappointed our families by not having kids. Whether it is because our relatives are certain that one morning, when it is too late, we will wake up drowning in sudden regret that we never reproduced, or because our relatives resent being deprived of babies, we have disappointed them.

It would be nice if I could dismiss that disappointment as “their problem,” or turn the tables on them by pointing out that they care more about their own wishes than about my happiness – and we are talking about my life here. But the truth is that, at least for now, I feel like a disappointment to them and that saddens me.

Another disadvantage to not having children is alienation from peers and community. Some old friends (thankfully not all) disappear into parenting, losing touch with all that we used to have in common. I can only hope that when the nest is empty they will return to themselves, and until then, miss them. At the same time some common avenues for making new friends and for connecting with neighbors are closed to me. Until I lived it, I never realized how much adults rely on their children to make new friends. They bond with neighbors over daycare and play dates; they meet and sometimes grow close to their children’s friends’ parents; they may become friendly with their children’s teachers, coaches, piano instructors, etc.; they may even grow closer to their own relatives when a grandparent provides regular daycare or a sibling brings over the little cousins to play together.

So there are two disadvantages to not having children. That is honestly all I can think of. They aren’t minor, except in comparison to the benefits I enjoy from being childfree.