March 15th, 2019
(written by lawrence krubner, however indented passages are often quotes). You can contact lawrence at: email@example.com
When Beverly Hills 90210 first aired in 1990, producers miscalculated. They thought Brandon Walsh was going to be our heartthrob. It was an easy mistake to make: Jason Priestley had eyes like the sea, capped with a gossamer mane you just wanted to reach up and push back. The problem wasn’t Priestley. It was Brandon.
Brandon Walsh plays basketball and might have to be home early to study for his trig final. He had a paper route back in Minnesota, where he worked hard to earn the money for a secondhand Buick that he washes and vacuums without fail every Saturday. Brandon can proofread your English essay because he works on the school paper, and while he’s got thoughts on the Oxford comma, understands why it may be necessary in certain contexts. Your dad doesn’t want you having sex, but Brandon is from a good family and is going to college and his parents love him. If you’re going to have dick in you, your father would rather it were Brandon’s.
No one but Andrea Zuckerman throbs for Brandon Walsh.
Luke Perry’s first appearance on the show comes 10 minutes in to the third episode of Season 1. He tells a couple of feather-haired bullies who look like Eric and Donald Trump Jr. in ’90s cosplay that “The tragedy of this country is that cretins like you end up running it.” He has trouble making eye contact. He barely speaks above a whisper.