Why do teens bully?

Interesting. This guy wrote a hateful screed, way back in 1987, in which he asked some of his classmates to commit suicide, and he used the word “nigger” to describe several of his African-American classmates. He goes back and tries to figure out why he was so hateful. He also calls up the people he insulted and he asks them what they remember of the incident.

Holly Winslow (not her real name) wasn’t pleased at all. She was in Steve and Dustin’s grade. Steve had dated her for a while. I don’t remember much about Holly other than that she was older, and quiet, and smart. She had a knowing sensibility and seemed to exist above the frenzied adolescent jostling for status that occupied so many of us. She struck me as self-assured. One night Steve and I were picked up by the Alexandria Police Department at 3 a.m. after sneaking out and walking to her house. Eventually she and Steve broke up. Here’s what he wrote about her (“Daniel R.” is not a real name):

Holly’s First
Well, it took almost a year finally sort out [sic] all the rumours but, we’ve finally done it! It would seem our poor innocent Holly W. brought home her love Daniel R. and during the daylight hours in her bed he “persued” [sic] her to let him give a gift if you know what we mean. It would seem that when he did, she poped [sic] like a baloon [sic]. Blood all over the place.

Who cleaned the sheets !!!???!!!

Today, Steve says he was motivated simply by jealousy. He’d dated Holly, chastely. When he heard that she’d begun sleeping with another guy, he was angry. “I definitely felt badly about Holly,” he says. “It even bothered me a little bit at the time. I do remember having sort of like second thoughts. But it was such juicy gossip.”

When I reached out to Holly, who now lives in rural Virginia and has two children, she was wary. The episode was part of a calamitous year for her. Her relationship with Daniel became “dysfunctional,” she told me, and culminated in a deeply troubling event that she didn’t feel comfortable discussing, even 25 years later. Our little newspaper story was one of that event’s catalysts.

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“I walked into English class amid whispers from classmates huddled in a corner of the room,” Holly told me via email. “Someone apparently had a copy of the paper in hand. There were stares and giggles. It really was like a scene you’d imagine in a movie chronicling adolescent struggles. I wasn’t informed of the content until later in the day. Fortunately, it was a friend who broke the news. She ushered me into the restroom and gave me a big hug before handing a copy of the paper to me.”

Holly described the embarrassment she felt as unbearable. She asked her mother if she could move in with an aunt who lived in another state. “I was immediately humiliated, fearful, confused. Humiliated that this intrusive look into a difficult and complicated episode in my personal life had been made public property in such a vulgar way. Fearful that I would be insulted, ridiculed, or shunned by classmates. Confused by the realization that the story was written by individuals I once considered friends, one of whom happened to be my first real ‘crush.’ I was kind of fascinated (and even a little intimidated) by you and Steve, to be honest. In my eyes, you were bold, quick-witted, and adventuresome—all things that I didn’t see in myself. Somehow, the knowledge that the two of you were responsible for the story made it an even harder pill to swallow.”

It had never occurred to me as I was giggling over Mac Paint that I might be causing that kind of pain. Holly told me that, although she doesn’t regard what we did to her as of a piece with the sort of bullying that was visited on Prince et. al., “it did have an impact on my confidence, my ability to trust, and even my behavior for a few years thereafter.” Oddly enough, just like Jenni, Holly eventually developed a lasting friendship with Dustin. She doesn’t ever recall discussing Ramming Speed with him.